Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my being single is dangerous.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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