i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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