Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
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Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
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Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.