how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
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there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.