In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize