I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
