he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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