you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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