About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
