I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
