Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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