I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Never joke about your clitoris.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
