Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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