There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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