I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
