i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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