He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
