When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
