Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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