I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
