these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
