Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
