There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
