I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sorry about my life...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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