allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
