She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
