I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
