There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
