i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
