I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
