3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
