I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
