dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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