Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
