I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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