if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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