I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
