Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
