I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
