my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
