people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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