I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
