goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
