some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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