just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
