do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am spending my child support on dildos
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
