Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
