And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
