Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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