the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
