12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So many bounce houses so little time
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
