my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
