Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
