and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I am one with the molecules
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
