hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
