I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
