Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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