I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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