so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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