Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
