My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
