Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
