Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
