i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
