Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
